Which festival stereotype are you?

Not for one moment are we disputing that each one of us constitutes our own “beautiful little snowflake”. No, of course all the people of the world are beautiful and unique in their own way. But still, during all that striving for individuality, we can’t help but pick up the habits of a few fellow humans. A little bit of dress sense, the odd habit and before we know it, we have our own little subcultural tribe.

Nowhere is this more pronounced than during the summer music festival circuit. This is when they all vacate the city streets, crawl from the brickwork and head into the fields and the beaches of Europe where they drink themselves into a stupor and allow the best bands and DJs to slowly drive them deaf. Here are the 13 most common stereotypes you’ll find on the festival scene.

The Old-school Hippie

These are the long-term adherents to the principles of peace and free love. They were there in the beginning and, yes, they have the tie-died t-shirts and acid flashbacks to prove it. Their lineage can be traced all the way back to the freewheeling originals that paved the way like Woodstock, the original Isle of Wight, or Glastonbury when it was all about banning the bomb and had cows on the field.

You’ll still find them doing their thing, along with their younger recruits, especially at Glastonbury. They get all they need from an industry of green tea, marrows, yoga and wooden jewellery down at the Greenfields.

Where you’ll find them:
Mainly at Glastonbury in the UK, but they might venture out to Latitude in the UK or the odd electronic festival.

The Moody Metaller

Long hair, band t-shirts and a chip on their shoulder; the metaller has a penchant for Jack Daniel’s and the thousand mile stare of a dad watching the paperboy cycle past his brand new Volkswagen. They aren’t really interested in much other than loud crunching speed guitar and the kind of guttural grunts most of us make while we vomit. That or the interchangeable sound of wailing guitar and whining vocals – the kind you find on an Iron Maiden record. Their idea of a good time involves forming a mosh pit, irregardless of anyone else’s opinion on the matter, and throwing themselves face first into another person’s face.

Where you’ll find them:
Anywhere the music is loud and angry, so think Download, Reading & Leeds or Sonisphere in the UK, Hellfest in France and Sziget in Hungary.

The Pseudo-Hippie

These are the ones that most definitely weren’t there in the beginning, but are all about the daisies in the hair for as long as the weekend lasts. They might utter the odd sentiment about world peace like a contender in a beauty pageant and adhere to veganism until the Sunday, but you can rest assured they’ll tuck into a bacon sandwich the moment they get home on the Monday. Still, peace baby!

Where you’ll find them:
Wherever there is soft-electro and indie-folk, so think Glastonbury and Latitude in the UK, Benicássim in Spain and Primevera in Portugal.

The Fashionista

I think someone accidently informed these guys that it was Paris fashion week. We know it’s ridiculous, but they’re here simply because festivals are the flavour of the month and it’s the perfect place to show off how good they look. They know none of the acts, so they’ll just parade up and down in front the main stage like it’s a catwalk. Expect perfectly styled and straightened hair, immaculate outfits and high-heels in the mud. What happened to the days when festivals were akin to surviving in the jungle?

Where you’ll find them:
These guys get around to all the major, non-niche festivals, so anywhere likeGlastonbury or Reading & Leeds in the UK, Benicássim in Spain, Exit in Serbia,Sziget in Hungary or Roskilde in Denmark.

The Hipster-Indie Kid

Tight jeans, baggy tops, some beards and ridiculous glasses; these guys really couldn’t care… that they care too much. Almost fashionistas in a way, as their adherence to a form of anti-fashion means they flip it 360 rather than flipping it on its head. On top of the clothing, they are there to see only the most obscure bands and they’ll probably be done for the day by the time you wake up. I’d tell you who they were seeing, but you’ll never know who they are. And that band you’re seeing? So last week…

Where you’ll find them:
So long as there’s something underground, there’ll be there. You’ll find them atSziget in Hungary, Glastonbury or Reading & Leeds in the UK, but a particular favourite would be All Tomorrow’s Parties in the UK or Iceland.

The Neon Raver

These radioactive little devils deck themselves in only the most fluorescent finery, douse themselves in every colour of body paint imaginable and wield glow sticks like a futuristic tribe of extra-terrestrials. There’s lots of hugging involved, touching the sky, gurning and heartfelt sentiments to everyone they meet as they throw shapes under the lasers while their pineal gland goes into overdrive. A genuinely harmless species who wear sunglasses at all times because they genuinely need to.

Where you’ll find them:
Anywhere where they can hear the beat drop! Think Tomorrowland in Belgium,Outlook in Croatia, Global Gathering in the UK, Nature One in Germany or Sonarin Spain.

The Psytrance Pirate

Something of a raver, something of a hippie, something of a raster; these dreadlocked peace-lovers are out only for the most psychedelic electronic beats. Unlike the Pseudo-Hippies, these guys are still genuinely trying to live the dream of their 60’s forefathers. They probably have no fixed abode, dumpster dive and chase eclipses as cosmic messages from the spirit of the world, rather than the simple solar cycle we know them to be. Yes, we all know it’s just astronomy, but let them enjoy their trip in peace. Why are they called the Psytrance Pirate? Well, because they inadvertently dress like pirates.

Where you’ll find them:
Although they favour the more psychedelic niche festivals, most of the big electronic music festivals cater for this, so you’ll probably find them at the same festivals as the Neon Ravers.

The Lad

He might have a beer belly and the clouds are in the sky, yet the top is off. Why? Because he and his kin are all singing along to Oasis. Probably one of the most common festival stereotypes, especially in the UK, it’s not just limited to the male of the species. The ladette is just as willing to get tanked up to a bit of Kasabian. Regardless of gender, both are out to prove their masculinity, so look out for football and rugby shirts, and lots of loud ‘bants’ (comparable to the American ‘bro’).

Where you’ll find them:
All the big, lager-fuelled festivals with the biggest headliners like Isle of Wight,Glastonbury and V Festival in the UK or Benicássim and BBK Live in Spain.

The Towers of London Punk

Who in the blue hell are The Towers of London? This now obscure glam-punk band seems to have left an irremovable stain on the rock community in Great Britain, still inspiring Sid Vicious back-combs worn with denim cut-off vests, skin tight black jeans, biker gloves and eye-liner. Exactly where these people go after festival season, no one knows…

Where you’ll find them:
Again, they’ll be looking for loud and angry music, only played by men in leotards. Think Download, Hellfest and Rock Werchter.

The Festival Veteran

At some point, this guy or gal fit into some kind of stereotype. Maybe they were a mod or a rocker, but most likely they were a hippy. Then that really out there idea became a thriving business and they had to tone it down. They may still have a beard, but they’re now also wearing a waterproof hat and socks with their sandals, and are carrying a folding chair at all times, along with a picnic. They’ll usually have their family with them, all of whom are dressed in exactly the same way.

Where you’ll find them:
Generally prefer older rock, so anywhere the legends play. Favourites would beGlastonbury, Download, Reading & Leeds or Sonisphere in the UK, Rock Werchterin Germany or Hellfest in France (anywhere they can set up their chairs far from the action).

The ‘Look at Me!’

Just wear your own clothes.

Where you’ll find them:
You can’t escape them

The Emo

The emo is an endangered species on the verge of extinction, especially since the whole Lost Prophets situation. Still, these spikey fringed, rainbow haired little troopers deserve an honourable mention for the part they played in festivals past and the crap they put up with. I’m pretty sure one of you invented the battery powered hair straightener, because that bit of hair covering your left eye became more immaculate day by day, and every female in our camp was jealous of your Rimmel eyeliner. Sure, your carefully constructed downtrodden look pissed us all off, but at least you took on the Daily Mail and won through sheer inactivity.

Where you’ll find them:
Pretty much the same places as the Metallers, which inevitably results in their bullying.

The Guy with a Guitar

We know you think you are the first guy to invent music, but you’d be wrong. There’s a big clue here – you’re at a music festival. Look at the stage, yeah over there. You see? There are some musicians there too. And you’re not God’s gift, else you’d be up there with them, rather than sitting in the mud doing your best, most heart-felt Damien Rice impersonation. Play something we know or shut up.

Where you’ll find them:
Again, you’re going to have a hard time escaping these guys. You’ll find them at all but the heaviest of metal festivals, where a beast with a beard is likely to break the thing over their heads.

Sure, they can be annoying. But like a bad sitcom, the stereotypes only make a festival more entertaining.

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Can you think of any more festival stereotypes or just have some festival stories? Let us know in the comments…